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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 25, 2006 15:47:20 GMT -1
Little Harley kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Harley said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Harley agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Harley dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.Harley was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Harley peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 25, 2006 15:48:37 GMT -1
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Apr 25, 2006 15:51:18 GMT -1
A teenage couple went to the guy's house and wanted to have sex.
They go into the guy's bedroom and got on the top bunk. His brother is on the bottom bunk so they decided to use code words; lettuce for harder and tomato for faster.
So they're saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato etc...
The brother wakes up and says "Would you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on May 2, 2006 18:23:52 GMT -1
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 5, 2006 21:38:26 GMT -1
A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.
"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction."
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out again and tells the doctor.
The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his deed.
Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor.
"What's going on?" asks the doctor.
The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago."
The husband replies, "She choked."
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on May 6, 2006 8:32:30 GMT -1
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 9, 2006 16:32:41 GMT -1
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."
The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on May 9, 2006 16:53:43 GMT -1
What do you call a German Tampon? A Twatstika.
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Post by Arnold on May 15, 2006 13:53:14 GMT -1
Whats the first thing you do when you've had a baby? Pull its nappy back up
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Post by ArgyleNeil on May 16, 2006 9:25:56 GMT -1
A small boy is playing in his back garden when he hears a fire engine whizz past the house with the siren blazing and the lights flashing. Excitedly he runs in doors shouting "mum" "mum" his mother says " what is it billy why are you so excited" Billy turns to his mum with a look of delight on his face and says "mum, when i grow up i want to be a fireman" His mum bends down, smiles sweetly and rests her hand on his shoulder, she looks in Billy's eyes and says softly " Billy, you wont grow up, You have aids"
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Post by CHOPPER READ on May 18, 2006 16:00:00 GMT -1
A Miner in a South African gold mine chops his leg off in an accident. While in hospital he says to his friend "Well that's me fucked! Who's gonna want a one legged gold digger?" His mate replies"You could try Paul McCartney!" HA!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 18, 2006 16:28:18 GMT -1
A Miner in a South African gold mine chops his leg off in an accident. While in hospital he says to his friend "Well that's me fucked! Who's gonna want a one legged gold digger?" His mate replies"You could try Paul McCartney!" HA! Funny as fook Chopper!! ;D
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Post by mortontheblade on May 18, 2006 16:33:46 GMT -1
A small boy is playing in his back garden when he hears a fire engine whizz past the house with the siren blazing and the lights flashing. Excitedly he runs in doors shouting "mum" "mum" his mother says " what is it billy why are you so excited" Billy turns to his mum with a look of delight on his face and says "mum, when i grow up i want to be a fireman" His mum bends down, smiles sweetly and rests her hand on his shoulder, she looks in Billy's eyes and says softly " Billy, you wont grow up, You have aids" oh dear, i laughed............. i'm sick
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 23, 2006 16:45:49 GMT -1
So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."
He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 23, 2006 20:34:53 GMT -1
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
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leicesterlass
Trainee
Retired. Catch me on facebook/e-mail on my profile if you wish.
Posts: 8
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Post by leicesterlass on May 24, 2006 11:46:06 GMT -1
What do Arsenal and Heather Mills have in common?
Both could do with a second leg.
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Post by duckfish007 on May 24, 2006 15:36:58 GMT -1
What do Arsenal and Heather Mills have in common? Both could do with a second leg. Nice one Clo
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Post by Roaster©®™ on May 24, 2006 20:39:54 GMT -1
An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, "Up or down?"
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.
The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, "Up or down?" But this time she merely answers, "Down."
Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.
She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "Fuck or drown."
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Post by Shippers on Jun 5, 2006 12:59:48 GMT -1
An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, "Up or down?" His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat. The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, "Up or down?" But this time she merely answers, "Down." Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before. She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "Fuck or drown." excellent! a blonde walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one.
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Jun 6, 2006 18:50:02 GMT -1
Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room.
There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.
In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, "Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and I've got to get to her NOW!"
The other guy says, "O.K. Do you want me to come with you?"
"What the hell for?" asks the other.
"Because that's MY dick you're holding!" he says.
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