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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:11:00 GMT -1
What do elephants use as tampax? Sheep!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:13:53 GMT -1
This RACIST (towards the french though) so doesn't require censorship!
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 21:16:18 GMT -1
Hahaha its so true!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:16:56 GMT -1
This ones sexist
Two guys are in a bar. they find out they have the same wedding anniversary. One asks the other "what did you get your wife for your anniversary?" The other man replied," A Jag and a Mercedes."
"Wow that's weird why both?" "Well if she doesn't like driving the jag she can drive the Mercedes. What did you get your wife?"
"A pair of slippers and a vibrator."
"Wow that's weird, why?"
"Well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 21:17:48 GMT -1
Hahahaha!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:22:57 GMT -1
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it a (had a Swiss Army knife with a corkscrew) and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
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Post by Super Danny Webber on Feb 8, 2006 21:24:55 GMT -1
How do you kill 200 flies? Hit a ethiopian with shovel (slightly racist but i like it
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:25:10 GMT -1
To level the playing field somewhat:
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Feb 8, 2006 21:26:41 GMT -1
This is a true story though a sick sense of humour needed you have been warned.
When my uncle was in Northen Ireland he was at a road block when a transit van screeched to a halt and the side door opened to reveal three masked men with an RPG (Rocket launcher) with a cry of "Fuck you brits" they fired my uncle and his friends hit the deck and heard a thunk and a boom they stand up to find the Granade had hit the side of their Land Rover and not detonated and turned to find that the van had exploded. The would be heros had forgtton two important things 1.take the safety cap off the end of the granade 2.RPG's explode out the back, not the best thing to do in an enclosed space
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:27:20 GMT -1
How do you kill 200 flies? Hit a ethiopian with shovel (slightly racist but i like it No comment
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 21:28:58 GMT -1
A man heres some rattling outside while in bed sleeping with his wife... His wife wakes up and says "Dear, whats that noise? Go downstairs and check it out..."
The man finally gives in and goes to check it out for his wife. He see's the shed door wide open and a thief inside. He runs outside and looks the door and piles everything he can find against it.
He rushes inside and calls the police "QUICK! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! THERES A THIEF IN MY SHED, SEND UNITS OUT QUICK!"
"I'm sorry sir" comes a calm voice on the ogther end "but we just have no units free!"
The man hangs up and rings back 30 seconds later "Dont worry love, Ive shot him!" and hangs up.
Withing 3 minutes flat there are sirens blaring with the police rushing around and un-locking the shed door, only to find the thief trying to hide and still alive.
One of the officers approaches the man who raised the alarm. "I thought you said you shot him!?"
"Hmmm... True... but i thought you said you had no units free?"
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Post by Golden_Boy™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:29:08 GMT -1
Roaster.
How many archives of these jokes do you have exactly? Jeez!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:29:40 GMT -1
It's after the watershed (not that there is one on these brill boards) here goes:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Jonny.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 21:29:46 GMT -1
How do you kill 200 flies? Hit a ethiopian with shovel (slightly racist but i like it Making me crack up but i may have to remove it mate, ill leave this one to TPGA
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 21:32:59 GMT -1
This is a true story though a sick sense of humour needed you have been warned. When my uncle was in Northen Ireland he was at a road block when a transit van screeched to a halt and the side door opened to reveal three masked men with an RPG (Rocket launcher) with a cry of "Fuck you brits" they fired my uncle and his friends hit the deck and heard a thunk and a boom they stand up to find the Granade had hit the side of their Land Rover and not detonated and turned to find that the van had exploded. The would be heros had forgtton two important things 1.take the safety cap off the end of the granade 2.RPG's explode out the back, not the best thing to do in an enclosed space Hahahaha twats!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:33:51 GMT -1
Roaster. How many archives of these jokes do you have exactly? Jeez! I've 3 Word Documents that currently hold between some 400 pages of 'stories','gags', 'one liners', true stories & comments etc. Been writing and collecting them for about 12 years!
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 8, 2006 21:34:30 GMT -1
Roaster. How many archives of these jokes do you have exactly? Jeez! I've 3 Word Documents that currently hold between some 400 pages of 'stories','gags', 'one liners', true stories & comments etc. Been writing and collecting them for about 12 years! Holy Nuts mate! Nice one hahaha
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:36:34 GMT -1
This is a true story though a sick sense of humour needed you have been warned. When my uncle was in Northen Ireland he was at a road block when a transit van screeched to a halt and the side door opened to reveal three masked men with an RPG (Rocket launcher) with a cry of "Fuck you brits" they fired my uncle and his friends hit the deck and heard a thunk and a boom they stand up to find the Granade had hit the side of their Land Rover and not detonated and turned to find that the van had exploded. The would be heros had forgtton two important things 1.take the safety cap off the end of the granade 2.RPG's explode out the back, not the best thing to do in an enclosed space Hahahaha twats! No shit Ninj - me old man served in Northern Ireland and honest to God he's told me and me bro a story along the same lines! Still laugh when he recounts it (usually weekly after a few pints and large scotches)
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Post by Ninja Squirrel on Feb 8, 2006 21:40:33 GMT -1
No shit Ninj - me old man served in Northern Ireland and honest to God he's told me and me bro a story along the same lines! Still laugh when he recounts it (usually weekly after a few pints and large scotches) Yeah I forget what unit my uncles was in Engineers I think but it has been verified buy two of his mates connection maybe? Like the avatar of batty the hardest man to grace the footy pitch for a while
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 8, 2006 21:41:26 GMT -1
I've 3 Word Documents that currently hold between some 400 pages of 'stories','gags', 'one liners', true stories & comments etc. Been writing and collecting them for about 12 years! Holy Nuts mate! Nice one hahaha Tis just a matter of time before I retire from the Corporate rat race of huge salaries and benefits to take to the stage and drink myself stupid touring comedy clubs. Fuck - I could end up naff Quiz Shows or on the Beeb as a regular pundit on quiz shows! Bollocks to that - I'll entertain for free! ;D
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