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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:26:27 GMT -1
Getting a bit dirtier now! Debs, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Shaz, "I think I'm going to see a dietician." "Why?" replied a puzzled Shaz "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm." Shaz replied, "I ain't got a clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no bloke's going to care if you’re a little chubby are they?" lol that was on a site i was on the other day...
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:27:46 GMT -1
I was at the greyhound the other night at 11.30... Black shoulder length hair, half chinese, female... Available in thai brides 2006 magazine...! You've met me missus then - No Suk Cock You met mine? Hav Got Cock? Relation perhaps? lol
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Post by Fizzy Bread on Feb 7, 2006 21:29:24 GMT -1
Now this is a classic! Hope no ones eating..
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:29:28 GMT -1
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"
When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom.
With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells
"For fuck's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:30:08 GMT -1
You've met me missus then - No Suk Cock You met mine? Hav Got Cock? Relation perhaps? lol ;D
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:39:35 GMT -1
Johnny's class are answering maths questions today.
Miss Francis asks the question, "There are 3 crows sat on the farmers barn. The farmer sees them and shots one with his shotgun. How many are left?"
Whole class put their hands up - by Miss Francis refuses to look at little Jonny whose bursting a blood vessel! Sara gives the right answer of 2.
"Pah - bollocks" says Jonny!
"I beg you pardon Jonny - please explain yourself immediatley" retorts Miss Francis!
"Answer is none - cos the sound of the gun would scare the other 2 off miss".
"Nice answer Jonny" replies a relieved Miss Francis "wrong - but I like your thinking"
"Miss" says Johnyy "I've a question for you.
"Go ahead Jonny"
"right Miss - 3 women eating ice creams. The first licks gently at the ice cream, working its way round the cone. The second puts the whole cone in her mouth and laps greedily before it melts, and the third bites the end of the cone and sucks the ice cream from the bottom. Which one gives the best blow job miss?"
Embarrassed and on the spot she stammers the 2nd one?
"No idea Miss -
but I like your thinking"
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:40:43 GMT -1
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For fuck's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!" ahahahahahaha!
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:41:42 GMT -1
Now this is a classic! Hope no ones eating.. Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..." Im actually drinking tea and thanks to YOU it bubbled out my nose! ;D
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:43:56 GMT -1
FizzyBread/Spozzer is desperate for money, so does odd-jobs for a day. She knocks on a gentlemens door, who agrees and lets her paint his porch for him. He gives her the paint and agree's the fee's with her.
An hour later he comes out to see hows she's doing.
Spozzer says "Done!"
"Really, that was quick!" Says the gentlemen.
"Yeah i know, and thats not a porche it's a ferrari!"
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:44:40 GMT -1
The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the pathologist ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:46:01 GMT -1
FizzyBread/Spozzer is desperate for money, so does odd-jobs for a day. She knocks on a gentlemens door, who agrees and lets her paint his porch for him. He gives her the paint and agree's the fee's with her. An hour later he comes out to see hows she's doing. Spozzer says "Done!" "Really, that was quick!" Says the gentlemen. "Yeah i know, and thats not a porche it's a ferrari!" I didn't know Fb / Spozz was a blonde
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:49:12 GMT -1
An American jibe now me thinks:
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, she's in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:49:33 GMT -1
The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the pathologist ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming... AHAHAHAHAHAHA "EWWWW GROSS" will appear soon i bet when the girls ssee this! HAHAHAHAHA
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:49:49 GMT -1
FizzyBread/Spozzer is desperate for money, so does odd-jobs for a day. She knocks on a gentlemens door, who agrees and lets her paint his porch for him. He gives her the paint and agree's the fee's with her. An hour later he comes out to see hows she's doing. Spozzer says "Done!" "Really, that was quick!" Says the gentlemen. "Yeah i know, and thats not a porche it's a ferrari!" I didn't know Fb / Spozz was a blonde she may as well be mate haha
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 21:51:17 GMT -1
An American jibe now me thinks: A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, she's in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." Hahahahaha I aint heard most of these, there soooo good!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 21:54:32 GMT -1
My last one ..... for Tonight anyway! Read it in an Irish accent!
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, Paddy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Paddy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad Paddy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Paddy walks back to his pew.
His friend Mike slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's holiday and five good leads."
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 22:07:52 GMT -1
lmao!
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Post by Roaster©®™ on Feb 7, 2006 22:33:15 GMT -1
That's your lot for tonight!
Short snappy ones for tomorrow!
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 22:44:29 GMT -1
ill get the drums ready then for the... BA DUM TISH... lol
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Post by MikeNewellsBarmyArmy on Feb 7, 2006 22:50:30 GMT -1
Duck waddles into a bar sits on the stool and yells "QUACK QUACK QUACK! GOT ANY RAISINS?"
the bartender yells back across the bar "No, its a bar not a resteraunt, now sod off!"
The duck comes back in the next day and says again, "QUACK QUACK QUACK! GOT ANY RAISINS?"
The bartender says "look mate im sick of this prank, come back here again im gonna nail ya feet to the floor!"
the duck come back and pokes his head round the door.
The bartender sighs.
"QUACK QUACK QUACK! GOT ANY NAILS?"
"No... why?"
"QUACK QUACK QUACK! GOT ANY RAISINS?"
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