Post by addicted2venos on Jul 9, 2008 9:55:27 GMT -1
Well here they are after much badgering. Sorry about the length of them but I hope I've done all those that asked questions justice.
1)Please give us a Spurious recipe from the A2V Good Fodder Guide.
Take the carcass of one semi conscious TB infected befuddled badger, and marinate it for 3 hours in the tears of a ginger child who just been told he’s adopted. Using a medium size trebuchet, fire Anthea Turner at the nearest wall 7 times, and then dispose of her body in the bins behind your local Summerfield. Repeat the trebuchet process with Tom Cruise. After striking the wall for the 7th time his inner resentment at being so short should be pouring from his nose. Take one cupful and add it to the mix. Take one pint of the milk of human kindness (available at most Waitrose stores) and then blend your mixture to the soft peaks stage. Finally add a strange aftertaste that you just can’t place, your own earwax will do for this. There you have it Strawberry Angel Delight ……….. done!!
2)Imagine the scene, you're buffing up your Charles & Di commemorative teapot and suddenly a flash of light.....out of the smoke a 'quid pro quo genie' emerges He offers you the chance of guaranteeing the Blunts promotion and Wendys relegation at the end of the season but only in exchange for you taking it up the shitter. What is your considered response?
Well much as I love my club, I’m not taking up the arse. The chances are with things as they currently are I could get at least 50% of that coming true by doing nothing. Wednesday seem to be messing about over the proposed take over and without it I think they’re in big trouble. I think we’ll end up in mid table and Birmingham and Reading will go back up!! …….. and how did you know about my Charles & Di commemorative teapot ……… scary!!
3)Does it annoy that even in the Blunts halcyon days of struggle in the Premier League's lower reaches; they were still only considered the third biggest club in Yorkshire?
I’m happy with the club I support and even with their apparent lack of any notable success. It allows me to really appreciate it when we’re doing well, and see the funny side when we’re not. Ask people like Cav and Alex about it, as Reading & Hull have bounced around the lower leagues for years and years. Which no doubt make their recent successes especially sweet for their supporters. The problem comes when you have sustained success for a period, and then it goes tits up ……. That’s when it really hurts <cough> like Leeds and Forest <cough>!! I’ve seen the Blades relegated the exact same number of times as I’ve seen them promoted, and I’d always follow them no matter what!!
4)Compare 5 606er's to cartoon characters.
I’m having animated characters and puppet show characters as well!!
Cav – Mr Benn, a master of trying on different outfits on and then acting out that part. By the time someone has a handle on him, he’s changed outfit!
H– Beaker from the Muppets …….. or so I’ve been told!!
Neko –Professor Yaffle, if you want an answer either sensible or spurious, he’s your man.
POG-Jonny Bravo, do I need to explain??
TC – Bagpuss, well at a certain age we all get sleepy!!
5)Shippers has bequeathed you his multicoloured belt of gayness to do only good on earth but you see that there is a loophole and the belt’s power will allow Sean Bean to become Prime Minister. What do you do?
I would immediately don the belt with immense pride. Knowing that Sean Beans demise is for the good of all on earth, my wearing the belt would surely cause his death. It would just be a matter of time before the writers of Sharpe began writing the new series with episodes such as ‘Sharpe and the Murderous Belt Sander’, ‘Sharpe and the Pit of Snakes’ and ‘Sharpe and the 1000ft Cheese Grater Slide of Doom’, from there his death would be assured and we could all sleep happily and soundly in our beds ……… and imagine the ratings!!
6)Fill in the missing object
Kman- Crack
Shippers – Belt
Jules -
? ……….. Lenny??
7)What is the melting point of Danni Minouge?
Danni Minouge ceased to exist in the summer of 1998. After numerous botox injections and with her drinking Yakult by the barrel load, she is now made up solely from communes of bacteria who work together to give the impression of a functioning person. Rumour has it that these days when she orgasm she produces a 30 second stream of yoghurt. I believe the only way of destroying her is with penicillin.
8)Do you find yourself kissing your baby way too much?
Oh yes …… it’s a very cheap way of getting her to laugh for me. Her laughing and being happy is about one of the best things in the world, and never fails to make me smile. Being a parent so far has been amazing, and has changed me as a person and shifted my outlook on life. As H would say I’ve mellowed since becoming a father and become a bit of a softie!!
9)Have you always admired CAV with his good looks, sharp wit and charming demeanour or has he grown on you?
Not always. There have been times where he’s pushed things in directions that have upset others, and I’ve wondered what the value/purpose was in what he was doing. Although I’m pretty sure people will have said and thought the same thing about me at times. I think Cav is great though, some of the stuff he’s posted has been both ballsy (I can’t think of another poster who has had the police visit them at work!!) and hilarious, and the board would be a much less interesting place without him. It must be pushing nearly 4 or 5 years that me, H and Cav have been posting on the same boards …… so there’s bound to be a fair amount of common ground/bon amee between us!!
10)Imagine yourself being strangled by Jeremy Beadle (when he was alive), realise that this would be particularly nasty as he has odd shaped hands and relay your facial expression in the form of words.
I think my first expression would be naturally one of mild revulsion as his weird oddly shaped hand got closer. As it touched my skin, I’d probably gag slightly. Then as he realised due to his small hand he couldn’t get the correct grip to strangle me I’d probably burst out laughing. As he was trying to kill me I may then follow it up with some Jeremy Beadle gags, like ‘Jeremy, I’ve heard you’ve got a small cock ….. but on the other hand it’s quite big’, just to rub his failure in a bit!!
11)Say you were to grow a moustache, what would be your preferred shape/style?
I’d go for the ‘unkempt face filler’ as pioneered by my hero Brian Blessed. I’d possibly consider having shelves grafted to my chin so then I could use my beard as hidden storage space ……. as you can never have too much storage space!
12)What stuff do get up to in your job in I.T.? Please make the answer so I don't fall asleep when I read it.
If you forget your username, password or whole identity then I’m the man. If you bust your computer, printer, scanner or pretty much anything with electric going into it then that’s me as well. If you can’t access the network, internet, a file, your internet bank account or memories in your head then that’s me again. I’m usually pretty helpful, but do have days where I’m more like Mordac the preventer of IT from the Dilbert comic strip. I’ve recently been taking CCNA (Cisco Certified Network Associate) at college so may eventually shift careers slightly into what can only really be described to non-technical people as internet plumbing, rather than front line user/network support.
13)What do you want to achieve before you are 40?
I’d like a house in a nicer area. Where my neighbours don’t look like their clothing all comes from shoplifting out of the bargain bin at Sportsworld, and their children don’t look like extras from Lord of the Flies. A career shift might be nice as previously mentioned. Oh and producing mini A2V mark 2 I’m sure will have been on the cards. Largely though as long as everyone important to me is healthy and happy, then that’s enough to keep me happy.
14)Tupac Shakur died after being shot in '96, yet he's still releasing records, my question to you is what's keeping Jeff Buckley?
It’s a classic case of under achievement. There are plenty of people who have refuse to allow their ‘living impaired’ status to impact on their productivity. Admitted some fans felt cheated by Tupacs ‘Shopping’ album. With some people accusing his family of just laying some sampled tunes over him reading out what he was planning to buy from Wal-Mart, in a shameless attempt to milk further profits from a dead man. However the album was critically acclaimed by industry experts …… again!! Citing Tupacs line ‘Toothpaste, Tuna fish, Ragoo, Oreo’s’ as a damning indictment of today’s societies propensity for consumer avarice. Pull your finger out Jeff, you lazy, lazy man!!
15)It's your first borns wedding day, and you need someone to do a speech as you feel you don't have the charisma to pull it off. Do you go for Chriss Akabussi or Shane Richie?
Ahh you made a mistake in the first six words of your question. To get married she would have to have a boyfriend (unless she’s a Moonie or something), and quite frankly no dirty, pikey, tracksuit wearing gibbo smelly boy is going anywhere near my daughter ………….. and I mean that quite literally on pain of death!! Hypothetically speaking though I’d probably go for Ritchie!!
16)What's your favourite sandwich?
Bacon & brown sauce ……….. hmmm bacon. I couldn’t even become a veggie purely because of bacon. As if we were meant to be vegetarian then bacon wouldn’t be so damn tastey.
17)They say "what can't speak can't lie"; now to my knowledge, despite a prolonged and desperate campaign, my dog cannot master the art of verbal articulation, yet can lie with ease, often favouring it to the sitting position. Have I been wilfully misled?
In short yes. If you want the long version yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss. All pets lie, deceive, scratch and lick unnecessarily. All of these things are done to embarrass you and make you look foolish, and are policies set forth by the ‘Council of Household Pets’ which meets tri-annually on the Isle of Dogs.
18)In more recent times you've changed your user name from 'addicted2venos' to A2V. Was this change purely out of convenience or was it to confuse dyslexics in thinking you were named after a video output on a television?
It was pure laziness on my part, but by doing so I’ve achieved about a 140% efficiency gain. This allows me use the spare letters I now have, to construct poison pen letters which I send to Andi Peters. There is so rarely such a think as a win-win situation but this time I really thing I‘ve found it.
I did once change my name to ACDC but I got fan mail for a rock band, letter about electrical current and pictures of some very strangely attired women …….. which I kept!! If you click the YouTube link below you’ll find out just how confusing things got (I fucking love this clip!!)
19)Ducks feet, lobster claws or a rhino horn protruding from your head; which would you rather have and why?
Lobster claws deffo ……. they’d be perfect for those times where you just don’t have enough hands!!
20)You support a club nicknamed 'The Blades' and you live in the gun capital of Britain. Are you really a raging sociopath?
Raging is a little harsh I feel ……… I mean I haven’t burnt anyone for ages!! Occasionally I play the odd Bjork CD too loudly, which for some could be considered anti-social to the point of being inhuman. However that’s just my counter to some of neighbours playing recordings of themselves MC’ing, which are all quite frankly …… shit!!
21)After a hard day at the office and a difficult drive home through the strewn corpses of the latest shoot out you retreat to your secret love dungeon for a bit of R&R. In there you find regular pals David Blunkett, Paul Danan and Wolf from the original Gladiators show are arguing about who get first use of the nipple weights. Who should go first and why?
Well with me being a bit of a PC lefty, my initial inclination would be to give the nipples weights to Blunkett. However as he is blind I’m sure we could find other suitably weighty objects to attach to his nipples, or we could just staple them to a wall, and he wouldn’t know the difference. This would free up the weights for Wolf or Dannan. However thinking outside the box, I probably would just glue their nipples together using araldite and place them both on a slight incline so they were pulling away from each other. I would then take the nipple weights and put the back where they belong ……… on a naked oiled up Anneka Rice, who is mine and mine alone!!
22)Why did you disappear from the boards for a while, you wuss?
It was a two fold reason really. One was I got sick of pressing ‘last 10 posts’ only to find someone had posted a picture of some girl with her baps or grotter out. It became such a regular occurrence I began to feel that it was unwise for me to be on here while I was at work, for obvious reasons!!
The second was that I have a relatively short attention span, and need to be entertained. If I am not entertained then I can start to manufacture my own fun ………… and sometimes how I do that isn’t always to the tastes of others!! I really had no plans to start posting again but stuck my head around the door to tell some of the folk on here about my daughter being born. I had a good day that day, and another one the next day and it’s largely (given one or two huge bust ups) been a laugh on here since then!!
23)After a surprisingly successful stint as a model for Damart you achieve Derek Zoolander like status within the mature male model scene. Loaded with money, you too have the chance to "give something back", but who would your school be for?
Well my Blue-Steel look is something to behold. I’d establish a therapy centre for delusional Leeds United fans. The course would consist of watching Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks and Stuart Lee stand-up videos, in attempt to re-unite them with their lost sense of humour. Then there would be a short slide show of other sports they might like become supporters of. Followed by random video clips of random Man Utd fans going ‘Leeds what, nah sorry you’ve lost me mate …….. near Hull you say, …. well I never’. I think with a course like that we could maybe rehabilitate some of them; hell some may even go on to become useful members of society!!
24)Like any born and bred Yorkshireman you pride yourself on your roots, hell you've even convinced yourself that Sheffield holds pride of place amongst the county's second strata of towns and cities, sitting ahead of even the likes of Huddersfield, Rotherham and Featherstone. Yet you've discarded all this to move to one of the most dangerous cities on the planet, all on the whim of the missus......what kind of man are you FFS?
25)I am a pilgrim for Yorkshire, spreading the good word amongst the needy, stupid and just plain violent. I still love telling people here that Robin Hood came from Sheffield, which means basically their whole cities identity is based on a lie. They just get so darn arsey about it, which just makes it all the more funny!!
26)You spend a night of torrid passion as part of a threesome with Hi-de-Hi's own Su Pollard and darts legend, Cliff Lazarenko. Pulses are still racing long after the climax of this menge-a-trois though, so what subject do you raise for a little pillow talk, and how do you ensure that you skilfully manoeuvre yourself away from the damp patch in the process?
The damp patch would be avoided by placing Cliff’s vast frame over the area. Then mine and Sue’s sleeping experience would akin to sharing a lard filled waterbed . As for pillow talk I think the ‘Paradox of Hedonism’ should provide a lively enough discussion, to engage them both an enable me to sneak out of the door before I wolf-trapped myself by falling asleep with my arm under Pollards head, and then was forced to silently gnaw my own arm off to escape!!
27)You don your golden tracksuit and big chunky chain......no it's not another court appearance, you've been bestowed Jimmy Saville's 'Order of the Fix it' and can 'Fix it' for 5 606ers to have a dream come true. Which 5 people do you choose and what would you choose to do for them?
Oooh an opportunity to be benevolent.
H-I’d fix it for her to find a nice bloke
Neko-I’d fix it for him to find a nice job, combining his engineering skills with his love of cosplay and anime. It’d be quite obscure but I’m sure he’d love it.
Trav-I’d fix it for him to have a job in films …… something like Angelina Jolie chief nipple tweaker!!
LL- I’d fix it for him to have his mission to mars. Ensuring of course that the shuttles MP3 player was fully stocked with some of the finest funk known to mankind.
GT-I’d fix him up with a super fast route so he could make all home games for Forest. Although I’m not sure whether that is actually a form of punishment …….. I think he’d enjoy it though!!
28)Are Sesame Street's Ernie and Bert practising homosexuals or just very close friends?
They’re gay, but Bert is secretly planning to kill Ernie and move his secret lover Gok Wan in. Sesame Street is sure to be quite strange once this happens. Oscar the Grouch will be wearing Jimmy Choo shoes in the new series, and the Snufflelofogous will be exploring outfits with pattern to break up lines and make him look slimmer!!
29)How well do you know the back of your hand? I mean have you ever been to the pub with it?
We go way back. It’s changed over the, but it still as dependable and resolute as ever
30)Is Jules a social experiment that went horribly wrong and now plagues certain parts of North London in a sweaty, greasy manner?
I was expecting more contentious questions like this. I said all I felt like saying to/about Jules when we all had the big barney last month (or when ever it was). I think we’re all better served by just not bothering with each other, as we just tend to aggravate each other and the rest of the 606 crew. There certainly been less arguments and a better atmosphere on here since ‘Stand Up Sing’ has been formed, and they seem happy enough over there in each others company!!
31)Vagisil the Roman Goddess of itching bore a child to Spandex the Great. What career did the child choose after taking it’s A Levels?
It becomes a corrupt chartered accountant!!
32)What would a perfume by Pete Burns smell like?
Hairspray and burning plastic. When you opened the bottled it would play a recording of him saying ‘eww you bitch!!’, in his effeminate scouse drawl!!
33) Parenthood is obviously massively life-changing. Has your life developed a different purpose since becoming a father? What elements of your pre-fatherhood do you miss the most? What's the one thing you do now that maybe 5 years ago you'd never have thought you'd ever do? And finally, there's an old saying that I once saw on the back of a match-box which said "People with children and people without children feel sorry for each other"...how do you relate to this phrase?
I think my priorities have shifted, as I have someone else to think about who is totally dependant on me. When you’re coupled up with someone it’s similar, but effectively you know that they are more than capable of looking after themselves when push comes to shove. The power of the love and the protective feelings I have for my daughter, are the most intense things about parenthood and seemingly come from nowhere. It seems bizarre to me now when I think that just over a year ago she didn’t even exist. I don’t really miss anything about pre-fatherhood, as I can still do anything I want to as grandparents who love babysitting live locally. I love spending time with my daughter and Mrs A2V, so that’s pretty much how I want to spend my time really. I’m sure there would have been times in the past where I’d have thought that someone in my current situation and with my current outlook was a bit of a saddo. Now I’m looking at it from the other side of the fence, but I don’t feel sorry for people without children. I do however feel sorry for people who don’t have children and for whatever reason can’t. As with that neglect case in Sheffield shows, there are people out there who have children they clearly don’t give a stuff about!!
Wow you made it to the end well done!!
1)Please give us a Spurious recipe from the A2V Good Fodder Guide.
Take the carcass of one semi conscious TB infected befuddled badger, and marinate it for 3 hours in the tears of a ginger child who just been told he’s adopted. Using a medium size trebuchet, fire Anthea Turner at the nearest wall 7 times, and then dispose of her body in the bins behind your local Summerfield. Repeat the trebuchet process with Tom Cruise. After striking the wall for the 7th time his inner resentment at being so short should be pouring from his nose. Take one cupful and add it to the mix. Take one pint of the milk of human kindness (available at most Waitrose stores) and then blend your mixture to the soft peaks stage. Finally add a strange aftertaste that you just can’t place, your own earwax will do for this. There you have it Strawberry Angel Delight ……….. done!!
2)Imagine the scene, you're buffing up your Charles & Di commemorative teapot and suddenly a flash of light.....out of the smoke a 'quid pro quo genie' emerges He offers you the chance of guaranteeing the Blunts promotion and Wendys relegation at the end of the season but only in exchange for you taking it up the shitter. What is your considered response?
Well much as I love my club, I’m not taking up the arse. The chances are with things as they currently are I could get at least 50% of that coming true by doing nothing. Wednesday seem to be messing about over the proposed take over and without it I think they’re in big trouble. I think we’ll end up in mid table and Birmingham and Reading will go back up!! …….. and how did you know about my Charles & Di commemorative teapot ……… scary!!
3)Does it annoy that even in the Blunts halcyon days of struggle in the Premier League's lower reaches; they were still only considered the third biggest club in Yorkshire?
I’m happy with the club I support and even with their apparent lack of any notable success. It allows me to really appreciate it when we’re doing well, and see the funny side when we’re not. Ask people like Cav and Alex about it, as Reading & Hull have bounced around the lower leagues for years and years. Which no doubt make their recent successes especially sweet for their supporters. The problem comes when you have sustained success for a period, and then it goes tits up ……. That’s when it really hurts <cough> like Leeds and Forest <cough>!! I’ve seen the Blades relegated the exact same number of times as I’ve seen them promoted, and I’d always follow them no matter what!!
4)Compare 5 606er's to cartoon characters.
I’m having animated characters and puppet show characters as well!!
Cav – Mr Benn, a master of trying on different outfits on and then acting out that part. By the time someone has a handle on him, he’s changed outfit!
H– Beaker from the Muppets …….. or so I’ve been told!!
Neko –Professor Yaffle, if you want an answer either sensible or spurious, he’s your man.
POG-Jonny Bravo, do I need to explain??
TC – Bagpuss, well at a certain age we all get sleepy!!
5)Shippers has bequeathed you his multicoloured belt of gayness to do only good on earth but you see that there is a loophole and the belt’s power will allow Sean Bean to become Prime Minister. What do you do?
I would immediately don the belt with immense pride. Knowing that Sean Beans demise is for the good of all on earth, my wearing the belt would surely cause his death. It would just be a matter of time before the writers of Sharpe began writing the new series with episodes such as ‘Sharpe and the Murderous Belt Sander’, ‘Sharpe and the Pit of Snakes’ and ‘Sharpe and the 1000ft Cheese Grater Slide of Doom’, from there his death would be assured and we could all sleep happily and soundly in our beds ……… and imagine the ratings!!
6)Fill in the missing object
Kman- Crack
Shippers – Belt
Jules -
? ……….. Lenny??7)What is the melting point of Danni Minouge?
Danni Minouge ceased to exist in the summer of 1998. After numerous botox injections and with her drinking Yakult by the barrel load, she is now made up solely from communes of bacteria who work together to give the impression of a functioning person. Rumour has it that these days when she orgasm she produces a 30 second stream of yoghurt. I believe the only way of destroying her is with penicillin.
8)Do you find yourself kissing your baby way too much?
Oh yes …… it’s a very cheap way of getting her to laugh for me. Her laughing and being happy is about one of the best things in the world, and never fails to make me smile. Being a parent so far has been amazing, and has changed me as a person and shifted my outlook on life. As H would say I’ve mellowed since becoming a father and become a bit of a softie!!
9)Have you always admired CAV with his good looks, sharp wit and charming demeanour or has he grown on you?
Not always. There have been times where he’s pushed things in directions that have upset others, and I’ve wondered what the value/purpose was in what he was doing. Although I’m pretty sure people will have said and thought the same thing about me at times. I think Cav is great though, some of the stuff he’s posted has been both ballsy (I can’t think of another poster who has had the police visit them at work!!) and hilarious, and the board would be a much less interesting place without him. It must be pushing nearly 4 or 5 years that me, H and Cav have been posting on the same boards …… so there’s bound to be a fair amount of common ground/bon amee between us!!
10)Imagine yourself being strangled by Jeremy Beadle (when he was alive), realise that this would be particularly nasty as he has odd shaped hands and relay your facial expression in the form of words.
I think my first expression would be naturally one of mild revulsion as his weird oddly shaped hand got closer. As it touched my skin, I’d probably gag slightly. Then as he realised due to his small hand he couldn’t get the correct grip to strangle me I’d probably burst out laughing. As he was trying to kill me I may then follow it up with some Jeremy Beadle gags, like ‘Jeremy, I’ve heard you’ve got a small cock ….. but on the other hand it’s quite big’, just to rub his failure in a bit!!
11)Say you were to grow a moustache, what would be your preferred shape/style?
I’d go for the ‘unkempt face filler’ as pioneered by my hero Brian Blessed. I’d possibly consider having shelves grafted to my chin so then I could use my beard as hidden storage space ……. as you can never have too much storage space!
12)What stuff do get up to in your job in I.T.? Please make the answer so I don't fall asleep when I read it.
If you forget your username, password or whole identity then I’m the man. If you bust your computer, printer, scanner or pretty much anything with electric going into it then that’s me as well. If you can’t access the network, internet, a file, your internet bank account or memories in your head then that’s me again. I’m usually pretty helpful, but do have days where I’m more like Mordac the preventer of IT from the Dilbert comic strip. I’ve recently been taking CCNA (Cisco Certified Network Associate) at college so may eventually shift careers slightly into what can only really be described to non-technical people as internet plumbing, rather than front line user/network support.
13)What do you want to achieve before you are 40?
I’d like a house in a nicer area. Where my neighbours don’t look like their clothing all comes from shoplifting out of the bargain bin at Sportsworld, and their children don’t look like extras from Lord of the Flies. A career shift might be nice as previously mentioned. Oh and producing mini A2V mark 2 I’m sure will have been on the cards. Largely though as long as everyone important to me is healthy and happy, then that’s enough to keep me happy.
14)Tupac Shakur died after being shot in '96, yet he's still releasing records, my question to you is what's keeping Jeff Buckley?
It’s a classic case of under achievement. There are plenty of people who have refuse to allow their ‘living impaired’ status to impact on their productivity. Admitted some fans felt cheated by Tupacs ‘Shopping’ album. With some people accusing his family of just laying some sampled tunes over him reading out what he was planning to buy from Wal-Mart, in a shameless attempt to milk further profits from a dead man. However the album was critically acclaimed by industry experts …… again!! Citing Tupacs line ‘Toothpaste, Tuna fish, Ragoo, Oreo’s’ as a damning indictment of today’s societies propensity for consumer avarice. Pull your finger out Jeff, you lazy, lazy man!!
15)It's your first borns wedding day, and you need someone to do a speech as you feel you don't have the charisma to pull it off. Do you go for Chriss Akabussi or Shane Richie?
Ahh you made a mistake in the first six words of your question. To get married she would have to have a boyfriend (unless she’s a Moonie or something), and quite frankly no dirty, pikey, tracksuit wearing gibbo smelly boy is going anywhere near my daughter ………….. and I mean that quite literally on pain of death!! Hypothetically speaking though I’d probably go for Ritchie!!
16)What's your favourite sandwich?
Bacon & brown sauce ……….. hmmm bacon. I couldn’t even become a veggie purely because of bacon. As if we were meant to be vegetarian then bacon wouldn’t be so damn tastey.
17)They say "what can't speak can't lie"; now to my knowledge, despite a prolonged and desperate campaign, my dog cannot master the art of verbal articulation, yet can lie with ease, often favouring it to the sitting position. Have I been wilfully misled?
In short yes. If you want the long version yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss. All pets lie, deceive, scratch and lick unnecessarily. All of these things are done to embarrass you and make you look foolish, and are policies set forth by the ‘Council of Household Pets’ which meets tri-annually on the Isle of Dogs.
18)In more recent times you've changed your user name from 'addicted2venos' to A2V. Was this change purely out of convenience or was it to confuse dyslexics in thinking you were named after a video output on a television?
It was pure laziness on my part, but by doing so I’ve achieved about a 140% efficiency gain. This allows me use the spare letters I now have, to construct poison pen letters which I send to Andi Peters. There is so rarely such a think as a win-win situation but this time I really thing I‘ve found it.
I did once change my name to ACDC but I got fan mail for a rock band, letter about electrical current and pictures of some very strangely attired women …….. which I kept!! If you click the YouTube link below you’ll find out just how confusing things got (I fucking love this clip!!)
19)Ducks feet, lobster claws or a rhino horn protruding from your head; which would you rather have and why?
Lobster claws deffo ……. they’d be perfect for those times where you just don’t have enough hands!!
20)You support a club nicknamed 'The Blades' and you live in the gun capital of Britain. Are you really a raging sociopath?
Raging is a little harsh I feel ……… I mean I haven’t burnt anyone for ages!! Occasionally I play the odd Bjork CD too loudly, which for some could be considered anti-social to the point of being inhuman. However that’s just my counter to some of neighbours playing recordings of themselves MC’ing, which are all quite frankly …… shit!!
21)After a hard day at the office and a difficult drive home through the strewn corpses of the latest shoot out you retreat to your secret love dungeon for a bit of R&R. In there you find regular pals David Blunkett, Paul Danan and Wolf from the original Gladiators show are arguing about who get first use of the nipple weights. Who should go first and why?
Well with me being a bit of a PC lefty, my initial inclination would be to give the nipples weights to Blunkett. However as he is blind I’m sure we could find other suitably weighty objects to attach to his nipples, or we could just staple them to a wall, and he wouldn’t know the difference. This would free up the weights for Wolf or Dannan. However thinking outside the box, I probably would just glue their nipples together using araldite and place them both on a slight incline so they were pulling away from each other. I would then take the nipple weights and put the back where they belong ……… on a naked oiled up Anneka Rice, who is mine and mine alone!!
22)Why did you disappear from the boards for a while, you wuss?
It was a two fold reason really. One was I got sick of pressing ‘last 10 posts’ only to find someone had posted a picture of some girl with her baps or grotter out. It became such a regular occurrence I began to feel that it was unwise for me to be on here while I was at work, for obvious reasons!!
The second was that I have a relatively short attention span, and need to be entertained. If I am not entertained then I can start to manufacture my own fun ………… and sometimes how I do that isn’t always to the tastes of others!! I really had no plans to start posting again but stuck my head around the door to tell some of the folk on here about my daughter being born. I had a good day that day, and another one the next day and it’s largely (given one or two huge bust ups) been a laugh on here since then!!
23)After a surprisingly successful stint as a model for Damart you achieve Derek Zoolander like status within the mature male model scene. Loaded with money, you too have the chance to "give something back", but who would your school be for?
Well my Blue-Steel look is something to behold. I’d establish a therapy centre for delusional Leeds United fans. The course would consist of watching Eddie Izzard, Bill Hicks and Stuart Lee stand-up videos, in attempt to re-unite them with their lost sense of humour. Then there would be a short slide show of other sports they might like become supporters of. Followed by random video clips of random Man Utd fans going ‘Leeds what, nah sorry you’ve lost me mate …….. near Hull you say, …. well I never’. I think with a course like that we could maybe rehabilitate some of them; hell some may even go on to become useful members of society!!
24)Like any born and bred Yorkshireman you pride yourself on your roots, hell you've even convinced yourself that Sheffield holds pride of place amongst the county's second strata of towns and cities, sitting ahead of even the likes of Huddersfield, Rotherham and Featherstone. Yet you've discarded all this to move to one of the most dangerous cities on the planet, all on the whim of the missus......what kind of man are you FFS?
25)I am a pilgrim for Yorkshire, spreading the good word amongst the needy, stupid and just plain violent. I still love telling people here that Robin Hood came from Sheffield, which means basically their whole cities identity is based on a lie. They just get so darn arsey about it, which just makes it all the more funny!!
26)You spend a night of torrid passion as part of a threesome with Hi-de-Hi's own Su Pollard and darts legend, Cliff Lazarenko. Pulses are still racing long after the climax of this menge-a-trois though, so what subject do you raise for a little pillow talk, and how do you ensure that you skilfully manoeuvre yourself away from the damp patch in the process?
The damp patch would be avoided by placing Cliff’s vast frame over the area. Then mine and Sue’s sleeping experience would akin to sharing a lard filled waterbed . As for pillow talk I think the ‘Paradox of Hedonism’ should provide a lively enough discussion, to engage them both an enable me to sneak out of the door before I wolf-trapped myself by falling asleep with my arm under Pollards head, and then was forced to silently gnaw my own arm off to escape!!
27)You don your golden tracksuit and big chunky chain......no it's not another court appearance, you've been bestowed Jimmy Saville's 'Order of the Fix it' and can 'Fix it' for 5 606ers to have a dream come true. Which 5 people do you choose and what would you choose to do for them?
Oooh an opportunity to be benevolent.
H-I’d fix it for her to find a nice bloke
Neko-I’d fix it for him to find a nice job, combining his engineering skills with his love of cosplay and anime. It’d be quite obscure but I’m sure he’d love it.
Trav-I’d fix it for him to have a job in films …… something like Angelina Jolie chief nipple tweaker!!
LL- I’d fix it for him to have his mission to mars. Ensuring of course that the shuttles MP3 player was fully stocked with some of the finest funk known to mankind.
GT-I’d fix him up with a super fast route so he could make all home games for Forest. Although I’m not sure whether that is actually a form of punishment …….. I think he’d enjoy it though!!
28)Are Sesame Street's Ernie and Bert practising homosexuals or just very close friends?
They’re gay, but Bert is secretly planning to kill Ernie and move his secret lover Gok Wan in. Sesame Street is sure to be quite strange once this happens. Oscar the Grouch will be wearing Jimmy Choo shoes in the new series, and the Snufflelofogous will be exploring outfits with pattern to break up lines and make him look slimmer!!
29)How well do you know the back of your hand? I mean have you ever been to the pub with it?
We go way back. It’s changed over the, but it still as dependable and resolute as ever
30)Is Jules a social experiment that went horribly wrong and now plagues certain parts of North London in a sweaty, greasy manner?
I was expecting more contentious questions like this. I said all I felt like saying to/about Jules when we all had the big barney last month (or when ever it was). I think we’re all better served by just not bothering with each other, as we just tend to aggravate each other and the rest of the 606 crew. There certainly been less arguments and a better atmosphere on here since ‘Stand Up Sing’ has been formed, and they seem happy enough over there in each others company!!
31)Vagisil the Roman Goddess of itching bore a child to Spandex the Great. What career did the child choose after taking it’s A Levels?
It becomes a corrupt chartered accountant!!
32)What would a perfume by Pete Burns smell like?
Hairspray and burning plastic. When you opened the bottled it would play a recording of him saying ‘eww you bitch!!’, in his effeminate scouse drawl!!
33) Parenthood is obviously massively life-changing. Has your life developed a different purpose since becoming a father? What elements of your pre-fatherhood do you miss the most? What's the one thing you do now that maybe 5 years ago you'd never have thought you'd ever do? And finally, there's an old saying that I once saw on the back of a match-box which said "People with children and people without children feel sorry for each other"...how do you relate to this phrase?
I think my priorities have shifted, as I have someone else to think about who is totally dependant on me. When you’re coupled up with someone it’s similar, but effectively you know that they are more than capable of looking after themselves when push comes to shove. The power of the love and the protective feelings I have for my daughter, are the most intense things about parenthood and seemingly come from nowhere. It seems bizarre to me now when I think that just over a year ago she didn’t even exist. I don’t really miss anything about pre-fatherhood, as I can still do anything I want to as grandparents who love babysitting live locally. I love spending time with my daughter and Mrs A2V, so that’s pretty much how I want to spend my time really. I’m sure there would have been times in the past where I’d have thought that someone in my current situation and with my current outlook was a bit of a saddo. Now I’m looking at it from the other side of the fence, but I don’t feel sorry for people without children. I do however feel sorry for people who don’t have children and for whatever reason can’t. As with that neglect case in Sheffield shows, there are people out there who have children they clearly don’t give a stuff about!!
Wow you made it to the end well done!!
Forever without exception. x
;D
