Post by Shippers on Jun 27, 2006 8:02:02 GMT -1
I am entirely unaware if I should be spurious or honest during this exercise, so where I believe I am supposed to be honest I shall, and where I believe the question requires a spurious answer I shall oblige. If you wish to know whether a particular answer is spurious or not PM me and I will be glad to inform you.
1.Shippers, do you tend to insert your love muscle in to any hole or opening that is warm and moist?
If you are meaning bodily orifi then almost certainly not. Only 4 ladies have had Shippers’ loving, totalling 7 orifi, we’ll leave clarification of which orifi to the imagination. If we’re meaning other warm moist holes, such as the one in a ring doughnut…well I really shouldn’t…but….I mean…. that is what you meant isn’t it?....um I think…I’d…um……better move on….
2.I would like to know how things currently stand between Shippers and this Tina girl that he goes on about.
ST is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen & I am totally in awe of her. I’m sorry if I bang on about her all the time, but she means the world to me. She’s a medicine student, 20 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, very soft, fair skin & quite short – but not technically a midget (as she often points out to me). We’ve been going out since February. She makes me very happy, and it is my mission in life to see that she is happy too.
I’ve made lots of relationship mistakes before, and I’ve made wrong decisions, so I’m not going to say stupid things like ‘she’s the one’ or ‘I’ll love her forever’ but at this moment in time she is exactly what I need & I love her lots.
3.I would also like to know if he is taking any drugs of any kind? (Either prescription or otherwise)
Currently? No I assure you I do not take any medication or recreational drugs. I kind of feel that would defy the object of being me, and taking medicine always feels like giving in. The last time I took medication was when I had a tooth removed, it was extremely painful and my mouth bled for 4 days continuously (therefore just missing out on the old idiom of never trust something that can bleed for 5 days and not die).
The only drug in Shippers system is Caffeine, in very large quantities!
4. And it seems to me that one minute he is well happy, and then the next minute quite down. Does he see himself as emotionally unstable?
No I don’t think I am. I’ve recently come out of a rough patch, pretty much the roughest I’ve had to face. I get very bored very quickly which probably makes me appear down, and I do love to moan which probably makes me appear grumpy. I’m not. Apart from the other day when I had a proper downer (the ST incident of which we do not speak) I’m normally a cheery kind of chap. I promise I’ll try harder to ‘turn that frown upside down’!
5.Shippers, you seem to be a whizz with the ladies, what's your secret?
A whizz? Who the hell is this? Enid Blyton? I don’t think I’m anything special, but I do have different values to most guys. I respect women, well all people to be honest, I don’t believe in this attitude of doing things because you probably shouldn’t or because everyone else does etc. I’d much rather be with a girl who makes me happy, and invest my time etc in making her happy than this macho bullshit that many guys are into. I’ve only ever kissed girl’s I’ve been going out with (although there have been overlaps – about which I am not very proud) let alone anything else. I’m old fashioned, and a bit of a hopeless romantic, but that’s just the way I am.
6.Tell us more about Spurious Tina, we won't hurt her honest!!!
I’ve told you some above, and I’m not going to give you any information that could endanger her life. I’m going home at the weekend, so if I get the chance I’ll bung my, and possibly her, pictures on the pictures board for you to ogle as you so wish. I could, however, give you some of her best quotes.
In a text message – ‘the problem is in my pants’
In Pizza hut with several of my friends she hadn’t met before – ‘I like it both ways’
Loudly on the bus – ‘I think its time we went “up the cathedral”’ (I’m aware that this one doesn’t sound that bad, until you note that she did the “ ” hand gesture at the time – leaving everyone on the bus thinking it was a euphemism)
Basically she’s good fun, and I advise everyone to get one of their own (although not mine).
7.Give us a full explanation of the theory of existence, you closet philosopher you!
Well I don’t see why I have to explain to you. I’m sure you’re all fully aware you don’t exist. Or maybe you aren’t, that would make it a lot more convincing.
Basically it works like this: The physical world is experienced by our senses, which then send electrical impulses into our brains which register that –ooh that was him touching wood, or hearing Schoenberg, or jumping etc. So is it therefore not possible that our brain is creating all these impulses and that the physical world doesn’t exist at all. If that is the case, then none of you exist, or anyone else, because my only experiences of you are external ‘physical’ experiences.
Like in the Matrix, the kid says ‘all you have to do is remember that there is no spoon’. The thing is in the matrix all consciousnesses were linked in a computer, my theory is that you are all falsifications of my consciousness.
My theories on closets, and the coming thereoutof can be found in the Penguin hard back Series ‘My first Philosophy Library’ Volume IV, available from Waterstones priced £3.99 (whole collection £45.99).
8.Given that the world is infinite and as such time is infinite too, would you like a sausage and egg Mcmuffin?
No. I do not believe in breakfast. I can’t face food first thing in the morning so I just drink lots of black coffee. And MacDonalds is very average. Also I’m not a fan of egg, and don’t like bread so a sausage and egg MacMuffin is never going to satisfy this poor boy.
The world is infinite? What do you mean? Surely from man’s discoveries in space, and our understanding of the universe outside our atmosphere would denote that the world is in fact a limited body of specific size and space. These limitations therefore prove that the ‘world’ is finite.
As to whether time is infinite, well we’ll see (or more likely we wont).
9.Which do you think is a greater test of endurance, and why?
a) Climbing a mountain with a 60lb backpack, whilst herding a flock of shetland ponies
b) setting off for a 50mile drive, knowing at the start that you need a piss, but are determined to get to your destination before emptying your bladder... (but then enjoying what is one of the most satisfying feelings)
c) chatting to a top-heavy lovely - who is one of the rare breed of ladies who can maintain eye-contact - and resisting the temptation to stare for worry of putting her off
d) conversing with mrsh and not thinking about her breasts
B. We all know that men can’t hold a waz. Least of all me. When I was a kid I used to be allergic to all sorts of things, especially citrus fruits, fizzy drinks, & artificial colourings and flavourings. These made me hyperactive and urinate profusely. I no longer get hyperactive (I just can’t be arsed most of the time), but do still pee like a race horse. I probably wouldn’t last ten minutes I’m afraid.
Also I can’t drive so it would be pretty dangerous.
I would never attempt A, and don’t think I’d actually find much difficulty in C or D.
10.What do you think would be the best retort to each of the following?
A (top heavy lovely): hello there young man, you look like a lost puppy...
Well I have been meaning to get my haircut for sometime, and the flea collar might add to that effect, but I can honestly say that I am human and know exactly where I am.
B. (tramp): got any spare change for a cup of tea?
If I have and he seems a nice bloke – yes, here you go buddy, look after yourself
If I haven’t or he seems shifty – No, sorry mate.
C. (group of teenagers): oi fuck face...
Keep head down and keep moving.
D. (old lady by a busy road): you look like a nice young man... would you like to come to my bungalow for a crumpet?
No thankyou I’m not actually a fan of crumpets. Do you have any nice biscuits in though love?
E. (Bald man in chemist): excuse me, do you know where the Brylcreem is kept?
In the isle next to the sanitary towels, you’ll know where that is I presume (then run very fast)
F. (Yourself in 10 years time): Oh no...
I’ve still not seen Gremlins!
G. (George Michael): I do believe that we are practising the same religion...
Well if we are George then you’re not very good at it, because my religion doesn’t involve policemen in public toilets you big nancy boy.
H. (Kate Humble) <mmmm kate humble> : have you seen any great tits around here?
Yes.
11. What do you think is the best car for diving across the bonnet of, a la starsky and hutch?
...and, what should the pressure of the tyres be on the aforementioned car?
I’m not good on cars, but I’d like to see the ghostbusters roll across their auto, especially with the proton packs on (I nearly typed futon packs, which would be something very different). Maybe also a hurse at your nan’s funeral would be a good one to try.
I’m really rather indifferent as to the tyre pressure I’m afraid.
You’d need the right soundtrack for the bonnet diving, some 70s funk with proper wukka-wukka porn guitar, and a big horn section.
12. What’s the correct rectal temperature of a male gibbon aged 34 and 3 quarters?
Probably quite cold, they don’t live that old do they? Not the ones I’ve been blowing anyway.
13. You seem to get frustrated by lack of activity on this board, and is always asking for people to keep him entertained - why is this?
Can we change that to ‘and ARE always asking…’
I just get bored very quickly – I have a very active mind, and don’t need to apply myself in my crappy job to get through the work load comfortably. I post quite a lot, and sometimes the board is a brilliant place. Sometimes I feel I’m posting and nothing comes back. I don’t mean to moan at you guys, it’s actually that I really do enjoy your humour, and take an interest in you lot. I’m very entertained by the site at its busy points, but get annoyed when it’s not living up to full potential.
14. Shippers, you seem to know a lot about eggs and salmonella. If, say a person, were to start feeling unwell, what would you prescribe?
PS. The person isn't unwell at the moment.
Alex, I suggest you seek a doctor, rather than a music graduate. I’m afraid I know very little about medicine, I’m just one of these people who hears things and doesn’t forget them. So somewhere I’ve heard that raw eggs can give you salmonella and I’ve remembered it, and I couldn’t even tell you where or when. I’m no more use than that.
15. Is spuriousness the new black?
Spuriousness is bigger than the new black. In fact it’s bigger than the old black. Spuriousness is the new seriousness. It’s the new consciousness. It’s the new existence. It’s more important than mere colours – it’s a way of life. I think we should pause to think of the good Captain Crackerjack who created this art form, and big up the spurios old and new, who have made it what it is today.
16. Do you love lamp?
I love lamp.
17. If there was a nuclear war and you had to hunker in a bunker (I make myself laugh!) for 5 years, which, of the following, would you take:
a) 5 people (alive or dead)
b) 5 cd's
c) 5 posters from this board
d) type of beer / spirit / wine
e) tinned foodstuff
Why are we denoting that posters on this board aren’t people?
Well, it would depend. I don’t drink so D would be of no use to me. E would be a necessity, but I suppose if one of my five people were fat the other 4 and I could eat them, then whittle down through the survivors in order of which I like least. It definitely wouldn’t be the CDs, because I have a really good musical memory and could probably remember most music I know as clear as the CD would play anyway. Definitely 5 people (as long as I get to pick which ones) you don’t want to know which ones do you?
18. what's your favourite power tool, and why? GRRRRRRR
Um, the power screw driver. It’s the one I’ve used.
Oh yeah, but obviously I own many more, and a black and Decker work bench. GRRRRRRRRR
19. Isn't mrsh lovely... (not really a question, more of a statement!)
Yes she is. In fact I think all of the posters I have come across (ba-dumtschhhhh) are. Since my making up with Morton I don’t think I harbour any bad feelings to anyone else, or anyone else does to me. Maybe JJ, actually as last time we were both on we had a little bit of a paddy at each other, but I still think he’s a damn good bloke and I’m not holding it against him. Just hope he isn’t holding it against me.
I don’t wish to pick favourites, but I’m sure, as with everyone, there are people I like best, and I hope they know who they are. I’m afraid I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t tell people how I feel about them, so you’ll have to work out if I like you.
20. Solve the Cretian Liar paradox
This is impossible as it’s a paradox. By definition it’s irresolvable. I had a big thing about this for a while, and it seemed to pop up regularly on the old board, but I haven’t thought about it in ages. I presume this is A2V’s question, and I would also presume from him asking that he wants me to say something stupid so he can find flaw in my explanation.
For those of you who don’t know what the Cretian Paradox is look it up on google, or ask JH 1980, I’m sure he’s much more qualified than me on this matter.
21. Write a lovely poem about your hobby of moulding comedy genitals out jelly, with as much alliteration as possible
To mould my balls in jelly
There is not a better thing
To make young Shippers happy,
And remove that nettle sting
I like to use lemon,
Or raspberry, strawberry of lime,
In fact with all this moulding,
I have very little spare time.
How did I get this awkward sting
Upon my sack you ask?
Well it was the naked badminton
In the long and weed ridden grass.
The cock flew into the bushes
And off poor Shippers went
And a nettle tickled me gently
When to pick up the shuttle, I bent.
Anywho…
I love to lob my lad in lukewarm liquid
Of lucozade, lime or lemon
It makes my little heart explode
And feels like I’m in heaven.
I then stick my schlong and bowl of goo
Inside my custom made fridge
Where the jelly sets around my knob
And my poor little sperm perish.
(sorry A2V I forgot about the alliteration until I was well into it. I managed a couple of lines though)
22. Name your favourite Revel, and why??
Coffee, because it tastes of coffee.
Did you know that if you drop revels from a height of between 25 and 30 cm onto a motorway service station restaurant table you can tell what flavour they are from the way they roll?
23. You're to be cast away on island, you're allowed to take 1 book, 1 film, 1 album, 1 person (alive or dead, and they'd be re-born and not just lie there smelling funny!!) and 1 other object of you're choosing, name them!!
Book – Catch 22
Film – Anchorman maybe?
1 album? Probably Young Blood Brass Band – Places at the moment, but by next month it will probably be something else.
Person – This is soppy and naff but ST probably, otherwise Anneka Rice. Or the bloke who does survival programmes Ray Meares is it? He’d be quite handy!
1 other object – my guitar.
24. Which messageboard poster concerns you the most and why??
Concerns me? Neil or MSB. I like them both a lot, and think they are both incredibly funny at times, but how they come up with some of that stuff!!!
25. Assuming he's running at full speed; what's the best angle for Daly Thompson to release his javelin, on daly thompson's decathlon?
I’d say a 45 degree angle, and to do it hard.
26. discuss the potential procurement methods for a client who's brief is for a top-spec, high-profile design hotel and the advantages of each
(alternatively, say something amusing about farmyard animals)
I don’t understand the question. Is somebody trying to make me look stupid?
I think my favourite farmyard animal is the sheep. Notoriously the worst gamblers in the yard I could clean up after only a few hands of poker and then buy their supersoakers off of them, and spray them with blackcurrant juice so that their wool turns pink (or ponk as the say en francais) and sticky. Then I could invite them to another couple of hands and win all the money back again. It’s a fool proof plan!
27. Who is your favourite pop group?
My favourite ‘pop’ group? My! That’s a stinger! I can see why you kept that one to near the end H!
Well I’m into all sorts of music, as most of you probably know. I’d say it has to be Europe. Final Countdown – CHOOOON!
28. How cool would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10.
About a 6. I don’t think I’m particularly cool, but then again I wouldn’t want to be. My theory is that if you try to be cool you fail. I haven’t ever really tried to be cool, so maybe I am, but I don’t really care if I’m not. ST tells me that before we were going out she thought I wouldn’t be interested in her because she’s not cool enough, so maybe to some people I do come across cool.
I think you lot probably see me as a bit of a geek. I probably am to an extent. I’m obsessive and really into the things I’m into, but I don’t think I lack personal skills like a proper geek should, and I never did/do any work at school/college/University/Work!
Yeah 6 is probably good.
29. What is your favourite S Club 7 song?
Reach.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank K for picking me, and H for taking over from K and getting the questions in. If you asked a question and are not happy with the quality of my answer please write to…
Mr R Harris
BBC Television Studios
Shepherds Bush
London
England
Who will be dealing with all enquiries. I’d also like to state at this point that I appreciate you guys coming up with some top questions. I can guess who wrote about 8 or 9 of them, but after that you’ve got me fooled. And also they weren’t too probing which is good, to be honest I have got many skeletons for you guys to uncover, but I’m a pretty honest guy, so as I said most of it is true, and the rest is a little spurious for comedy value.
Keep it real.
Peace out.
Shippers
1.Shippers, do you tend to insert your love muscle in to any hole or opening that is warm and moist?
If you are meaning bodily orifi then almost certainly not. Only 4 ladies have had Shippers’ loving, totalling 7 orifi, we’ll leave clarification of which orifi to the imagination. If we’re meaning other warm moist holes, such as the one in a ring doughnut…well I really shouldn’t…but….I mean…. that is what you meant isn’t it?....um I think…I’d…um……better move on….
2.I would like to know how things currently stand between Shippers and this Tina girl that he goes on about.
ST is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen & I am totally in awe of her. I’m sorry if I bang on about her all the time, but she means the world to me. She’s a medicine student, 20 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, very soft, fair skin & quite short – but not technically a midget (as she often points out to me). We’ve been going out since February. She makes me very happy, and it is my mission in life to see that she is happy too.
I’ve made lots of relationship mistakes before, and I’ve made wrong decisions, so I’m not going to say stupid things like ‘she’s the one’ or ‘I’ll love her forever’ but at this moment in time she is exactly what I need & I love her lots.
3.I would also like to know if he is taking any drugs of any kind? (Either prescription or otherwise)
Currently? No I assure you I do not take any medication or recreational drugs. I kind of feel that would defy the object of being me, and taking medicine always feels like giving in. The last time I took medication was when I had a tooth removed, it was extremely painful and my mouth bled for 4 days continuously (therefore just missing out on the old idiom of never trust something that can bleed for 5 days and not die).
The only drug in Shippers system is Caffeine, in very large quantities!
4. And it seems to me that one minute he is well happy, and then the next minute quite down. Does he see himself as emotionally unstable?
No I don’t think I am. I’ve recently come out of a rough patch, pretty much the roughest I’ve had to face. I get very bored very quickly which probably makes me appear down, and I do love to moan which probably makes me appear grumpy. I’m not. Apart from the other day when I had a proper downer (the ST incident of which we do not speak) I’m normally a cheery kind of chap. I promise I’ll try harder to ‘turn that frown upside down’!
5.Shippers, you seem to be a whizz with the ladies, what's your secret?
A whizz? Who the hell is this? Enid Blyton? I don’t think I’m anything special, but I do have different values to most guys. I respect women, well all people to be honest, I don’t believe in this attitude of doing things because you probably shouldn’t or because everyone else does etc. I’d much rather be with a girl who makes me happy, and invest my time etc in making her happy than this macho bullshit that many guys are into. I’ve only ever kissed girl’s I’ve been going out with (although there have been overlaps – about which I am not very proud) let alone anything else. I’m old fashioned, and a bit of a hopeless romantic, but that’s just the way I am.
6.Tell us more about Spurious Tina, we won't hurt her honest!!!
I’ve told you some above, and I’m not going to give you any information that could endanger her life. I’m going home at the weekend, so if I get the chance I’ll bung my, and possibly her, pictures on the pictures board for you to ogle as you so wish. I could, however, give you some of her best quotes.
In a text message – ‘the problem is in my pants’
In Pizza hut with several of my friends she hadn’t met before – ‘I like it both ways’
Loudly on the bus – ‘I think its time we went “up the cathedral”’ (I’m aware that this one doesn’t sound that bad, until you note that she did the “ ” hand gesture at the time – leaving everyone on the bus thinking it was a euphemism)
Basically she’s good fun, and I advise everyone to get one of their own (although not mine).
7.Give us a full explanation of the theory of existence, you closet philosopher you!
Well I don’t see why I have to explain to you. I’m sure you’re all fully aware you don’t exist. Or maybe you aren’t, that would make it a lot more convincing.
Basically it works like this: The physical world is experienced by our senses, which then send electrical impulses into our brains which register that –ooh that was him touching wood, or hearing Schoenberg, or jumping etc. So is it therefore not possible that our brain is creating all these impulses and that the physical world doesn’t exist at all. If that is the case, then none of you exist, or anyone else, because my only experiences of you are external ‘physical’ experiences.
Like in the Matrix, the kid says ‘all you have to do is remember that there is no spoon’. The thing is in the matrix all consciousnesses were linked in a computer, my theory is that you are all falsifications of my consciousness.
My theories on closets, and the coming thereoutof can be found in the Penguin hard back Series ‘My first Philosophy Library’ Volume IV, available from Waterstones priced £3.99 (whole collection £45.99).
8.Given that the world is infinite and as such time is infinite too, would you like a sausage and egg Mcmuffin?
No. I do not believe in breakfast. I can’t face food first thing in the morning so I just drink lots of black coffee. And MacDonalds is very average. Also I’m not a fan of egg, and don’t like bread so a sausage and egg MacMuffin is never going to satisfy this poor boy.
The world is infinite? What do you mean? Surely from man’s discoveries in space, and our understanding of the universe outside our atmosphere would denote that the world is in fact a limited body of specific size and space. These limitations therefore prove that the ‘world’ is finite.
As to whether time is infinite, well we’ll see (or more likely we wont).
9.Which do you think is a greater test of endurance, and why?
a) Climbing a mountain with a 60lb backpack, whilst herding a flock of shetland ponies
b) setting off for a 50mile drive, knowing at the start that you need a piss, but are determined to get to your destination before emptying your bladder... (but then enjoying what is one of the most satisfying feelings)
c) chatting to a top-heavy lovely - who is one of the rare breed of ladies who can maintain eye-contact - and resisting the temptation to stare for worry of putting her off
d) conversing with mrsh and not thinking about her breasts
B. We all know that men can’t hold a waz. Least of all me. When I was a kid I used to be allergic to all sorts of things, especially citrus fruits, fizzy drinks, & artificial colourings and flavourings. These made me hyperactive and urinate profusely. I no longer get hyperactive (I just can’t be arsed most of the time), but do still pee like a race horse. I probably wouldn’t last ten minutes I’m afraid.
Also I can’t drive so it would be pretty dangerous.
I would never attempt A, and don’t think I’d actually find much difficulty in C or D.
10.What do you think would be the best retort to each of the following?
A (top heavy lovely): hello there young man, you look like a lost puppy...
Well I have been meaning to get my haircut for sometime, and the flea collar might add to that effect, but I can honestly say that I am human and know exactly where I am.
B. (tramp): got any spare change for a cup of tea?
If I have and he seems a nice bloke – yes, here you go buddy, look after yourself
If I haven’t or he seems shifty – No, sorry mate.
C. (group of teenagers): oi fuck face...
Keep head down and keep moving.
D. (old lady by a busy road): you look like a nice young man... would you like to come to my bungalow for a crumpet?
No thankyou I’m not actually a fan of crumpets. Do you have any nice biscuits in though love?
E. (Bald man in chemist): excuse me, do you know where the Brylcreem is kept?
In the isle next to the sanitary towels, you’ll know where that is I presume (then run very fast)
F. (Yourself in 10 years time): Oh no...
I’ve still not seen Gremlins!
G. (George Michael): I do believe that we are practising the same religion...
Well if we are George then you’re not very good at it, because my religion doesn’t involve policemen in public toilets you big nancy boy.
H. (Kate Humble) <mmmm kate humble> : have you seen any great tits around here?
Yes.
11. What do you think is the best car for diving across the bonnet of, a la starsky and hutch?
...and, what should the pressure of the tyres be on the aforementioned car?
I’m not good on cars, but I’d like to see the ghostbusters roll across their auto, especially with the proton packs on (I nearly typed futon packs, which would be something very different). Maybe also a hurse at your nan’s funeral would be a good one to try.
I’m really rather indifferent as to the tyre pressure I’m afraid.
You’d need the right soundtrack for the bonnet diving, some 70s funk with proper wukka-wukka porn guitar, and a big horn section.
12. What’s the correct rectal temperature of a male gibbon aged 34 and 3 quarters?
Probably quite cold, they don’t live that old do they? Not the ones I’ve been blowing anyway.
13. You seem to get frustrated by lack of activity on this board, and is always asking for people to keep him entertained - why is this?
Can we change that to ‘and ARE always asking…’
I just get bored very quickly – I have a very active mind, and don’t need to apply myself in my crappy job to get through the work load comfortably. I post quite a lot, and sometimes the board is a brilliant place. Sometimes I feel I’m posting and nothing comes back. I don’t mean to moan at you guys, it’s actually that I really do enjoy your humour, and take an interest in you lot. I’m very entertained by the site at its busy points, but get annoyed when it’s not living up to full potential.
14. Shippers, you seem to know a lot about eggs and salmonella. If, say a person, were to start feeling unwell, what would you prescribe?
PS. The person isn't unwell at the moment.
Alex, I suggest you seek a doctor, rather than a music graduate. I’m afraid I know very little about medicine, I’m just one of these people who hears things and doesn’t forget them. So somewhere I’ve heard that raw eggs can give you salmonella and I’ve remembered it, and I couldn’t even tell you where or when. I’m no more use than that.
15. Is spuriousness the new black?
Spuriousness is bigger than the new black. In fact it’s bigger than the old black. Spuriousness is the new seriousness. It’s the new consciousness. It’s the new existence. It’s more important than mere colours – it’s a way of life. I think we should pause to think of the good Captain Crackerjack who created this art form, and big up the spurios old and new, who have made it what it is today.
16. Do you love lamp?
I love lamp.
17. If there was a nuclear war and you had to hunker in a bunker (I make myself laugh!) for 5 years, which, of the following, would you take:
a) 5 people (alive or dead)
b) 5 cd's
c) 5 posters from this board
d) type of beer / spirit / wine
e) tinned foodstuff
Why are we denoting that posters on this board aren’t people?
Well, it would depend. I don’t drink so D would be of no use to me. E would be a necessity, but I suppose if one of my five people were fat the other 4 and I could eat them, then whittle down through the survivors in order of which I like least. It definitely wouldn’t be the CDs, because I have a really good musical memory and could probably remember most music I know as clear as the CD would play anyway. Definitely 5 people (as long as I get to pick which ones) you don’t want to know which ones do you?
18. what's your favourite power tool, and why? GRRRRRRR
Um, the power screw driver. It’s the one I’ve used.
Oh yeah, but obviously I own many more, and a black and Decker work bench. GRRRRRRRRR
19. Isn't mrsh lovely... (not really a question, more of a statement!)
Yes she is. In fact I think all of the posters I have come across (ba-dumtschhhhh) are. Since my making up with Morton I don’t think I harbour any bad feelings to anyone else, or anyone else does to me. Maybe JJ, actually as last time we were both on we had a little bit of a paddy at each other, but I still think he’s a damn good bloke and I’m not holding it against him. Just hope he isn’t holding it against me.
I don’t wish to pick favourites, but I’m sure, as with everyone, there are people I like best, and I hope they know who they are. I’m afraid I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t tell people how I feel about them, so you’ll have to work out if I like you.
20. Solve the Cretian Liar paradox
This is impossible as it’s a paradox. By definition it’s irresolvable. I had a big thing about this for a while, and it seemed to pop up regularly on the old board, but I haven’t thought about it in ages. I presume this is A2V’s question, and I would also presume from him asking that he wants me to say something stupid so he can find flaw in my explanation.
For those of you who don’t know what the Cretian Paradox is look it up on google, or ask JH 1980, I’m sure he’s much more qualified than me on this matter.
21. Write a lovely poem about your hobby of moulding comedy genitals out jelly, with as much alliteration as possible
To mould my balls in jelly
There is not a better thing
To make young Shippers happy,
And remove that nettle sting
I like to use lemon,
Or raspberry, strawberry of lime,
In fact with all this moulding,
I have very little spare time.
How did I get this awkward sting
Upon my sack you ask?
Well it was the naked badminton
In the long and weed ridden grass.
The cock flew into the bushes
And off poor Shippers went
And a nettle tickled me gently
When to pick up the shuttle, I bent.
Anywho…
I love to lob my lad in lukewarm liquid
Of lucozade, lime or lemon
It makes my little heart explode
And feels like I’m in heaven.
I then stick my schlong and bowl of goo
Inside my custom made fridge
Where the jelly sets around my knob
And my poor little sperm perish.
(sorry A2V I forgot about the alliteration until I was well into it. I managed a couple of lines though)
22. Name your favourite Revel, and why??
Coffee, because it tastes of coffee.
Did you know that if you drop revels from a height of between 25 and 30 cm onto a motorway service station restaurant table you can tell what flavour they are from the way they roll?
23. You're to be cast away on island, you're allowed to take 1 book, 1 film, 1 album, 1 person (alive or dead, and they'd be re-born and not just lie there smelling funny!!) and 1 other object of you're choosing, name them!!
Book – Catch 22
Film – Anchorman maybe?
1 album? Probably Young Blood Brass Band – Places at the moment, but by next month it will probably be something else.
Person – This is soppy and naff but ST probably, otherwise Anneka Rice. Or the bloke who does survival programmes Ray Meares is it? He’d be quite handy!
1 other object – my guitar.
24. Which messageboard poster concerns you the most and why??
Concerns me? Neil or MSB. I like them both a lot, and think they are both incredibly funny at times, but how they come up with some of that stuff!!!
25. Assuming he's running at full speed; what's the best angle for Daly Thompson to release his javelin, on daly thompson's decathlon?
I’d say a 45 degree angle, and to do it hard.
26. discuss the potential procurement methods for a client who's brief is for a top-spec, high-profile design hotel and the advantages of each
(alternatively, say something amusing about farmyard animals)
I don’t understand the question. Is somebody trying to make me look stupid?
I think my favourite farmyard animal is the sheep. Notoriously the worst gamblers in the yard I could clean up after only a few hands of poker and then buy their supersoakers off of them, and spray them with blackcurrant juice so that their wool turns pink (or ponk as the say en francais) and sticky. Then I could invite them to another couple of hands and win all the money back again. It’s a fool proof plan!
27. Who is your favourite pop group?
My favourite ‘pop’ group? My! That’s a stinger! I can see why you kept that one to near the end H!
Well I’m into all sorts of music, as most of you probably know. I’d say it has to be Europe. Final Countdown – CHOOOON!
28. How cool would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10.
About a 6. I don’t think I’m particularly cool, but then again I wouldn’t want to be. My theory is that if you try to be cool you fail. I haven’t ever really tried to be cool, so maybe I am, but I don’t really care if I’m not. ST tells me that before we were going out she thought I wouldn’t be interested in her because she’s not cool enough, so maybe to some people I do come across cool.
I think you lot probably see me as a bit of a geek. I probably am to an extent. I’m obsessive and really into the things I’m into, but I don’t think I lack personal skills like a proper geek should, and I never did/do any work at school/college/University/Work!
Yeah 6 is probably good.
29. What is your favourite S Club 7 song?
Reach.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank K for picking me, and H for taking over from K and getting the questions in. If you asked a question and are not happy with the quality of my answer please write to…
Mr R Harris
BBC Television Studios
Shepherds Bush
London
England
Who will be dealing with all enquiries. I’d also like to state at this point that I appreciate you guys coming up with some top questions. I can guess who wrote about 8 or 9 of them, but after that you’ve got me fooled. And also they weren’t too probing which is good, to be honest I have got many skeletons for you guys to uncover, but I’m a pretty honest guy, so as I said most of it is true, and the rest is a little spurious for comedy value.
Keep it real.
Peace out.
Shippers