Post by NoCanariesAllowed (Ipswich'02) on Mar 31, 2006 7:38:00 GMT -1
mortontheblade said:
Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah,no,wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God , I'm an awful eejit!
Jack: I like cake!
EOIN MCLOVE- What if the old one says something, and I don't know what to say back?
PATSY- Oh, I don't know (Looks exasperated)
EOIN- Ere! (Points to Dougal) This one's lookin a bit weird!
PATSY- Eoin!
DOUGAL- God Ted, it's like a big tide of jam commin towards us, except its a big jam made out of old women.
POLICEMAN- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them, and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a better option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money) Here's your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of this country were friends of the church! Drink driving charges quashed, parking tickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) Ted Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet! Well i did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank you so much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was just going to say that your that your fly is open.
DOUGAL- Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Chicken Curry, Pilau Rice and a Can of Fanta thanks.
POLICEMAN- Do you know where you are? Your in a police station.
DOUGAL- Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken.
TED- Eoin, did you come with those suitcases?
EOUIN- No. These are yours. But I saw a lot of stuff that i liked, and I'm taking them with me.
DOUGAL- Oh, that's very cheeky
TED- (After singing 'My Lovely Horse') So what did you think about it in general, then? Father Jack pulls out a shotgun and shoots Ted's Guitar
TED- Right.
DOUGAL- God Ted, Jacks been asleep good long time. Do you think he's dead again?
TED- No Dougal. Look at Jack. Look at that steely determination. And.... Oh my god, I've just realised Jacks been asleep for 14 days! They run to Jacks chair.
TED- Oh my God (pulls out a bottle) He's drunken a whole bottle of dreamy sleepy nighty snoozy snooze!
DOUGAL- God Ted, I can't wait for the footy season, to run out on the field and do physio type things with the magic sponge
TED- Dougal, do know what the magic sponge actually does?
DOUGAL- It soaks up....Germs!
JACK- (after sobering up, points at Sister Mary) Nan!
TED- No jack, she's a nun.
JACK- NUN! AHHHH!!!! (Jack then runs through the window)
TED- He's just gone for his morning walk.
DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.
DOUGAL- Look, this tables so dirty I can write my name in it
TED- There's a 'G' in Dougal
DOUGAL- Where?
DOUGAL- Good news Ted! I think he's just pulled up! And the good news is, that he can only afford a crappy blue Ford Cortina. Ha! Just imagine driving around in that thing.
TED- That's MY car.
TED- So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.
DOUGAL- Now, think hard Ted. Where's the last place that you'd think I'd put the rabbits?
TED- Well, now when I think about, I'd have to say, Bishop Brennans room
DOUGAL- Bingo! I put the rabbits in the last place he'd think of them! His own room! he'll never find them there!
DOUGAL: Spider-Baby- It's got the body of a spider, and the mind of a baby.
DOUGAL- I'm not good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.
Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down.
Ted: Dougal, have we any incense?
Dougal: Em...there was a spider in the bath...
Tourist: Fup-off, you grass-hole!
Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: We're in Ireland's largest lingerie department
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....
Fr. Stack: You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty feckers.
Ted: Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!
Ted : So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal : Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted : Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal : ...Oh right, yes.
Ted : Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal : Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here. I have Cheese and Onion, and Salt and Vinegar and I eat them both in the same go.
Ted : I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack : SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Dougal : Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!
Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!
Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!!!
Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!
Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.
Bishop Brennan: He DID kick me up the arse!
Father Fitzpatrick: You left the cyanide capsules next to the Valium, you old fool. That's just asking for trouble!
Jack: (judging a Wet T-shirt competition) More Water!
Jack: ARSEBISCUITS!
Ted : And what do you think is behind tomorrows window Fr. Jack ?
Jack: A pair of Feckin womens Knickers!
Ted : Yes.
Jack: Knickers.
Ted : I think I'll just stop talking to Fr. Jack now.
Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?
Eoin McLove: You leave me alone. I could have you killed.
Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER!
Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.
Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.
Dougal: The ants are back Ted!
You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's shite.
Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'
Jack: I'm sooooo, sooooo, soooo sorry!
Ted: Now that's sarcasm.
Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.
Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?
Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!
Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.
Dougal: Those women were in the nip!
Jack: I love my .... brick!
Mrs Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.
Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.
Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?
Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.
Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.
Mrs Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.
Dougal: How did the sergeant catch Father Jack at all?
Ted: Well, Dougal. He's an elderly priest driving a Flymo at 2 miles per hour around the island. How hard could it be?
Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.
Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Dougal: Jack? Scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted!
Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
Dougal: Where?
Dougal: A one-word film. There can't be too many of those. Salem's Lot?
Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!
Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.
Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?
Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.
Ted: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Dougal: Yes.
Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?
Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.
Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.
Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.
And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.
Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television?
Jack: FLOOR! COR-TAINS! GOBSHITE!
Wait a second. You're Elvis as well!
It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.
So then. You're a nun?
Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !
Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you
said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !
Jack: I'm a happy camper!
Ted: Two hundred pounds? I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant
Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.
Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!
Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
Fairground - "Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."
"I won't be happy until the last rabbit round here is the one inside your head, working the controls!"
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!
Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!
Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father
Dougal: Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival!
Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted?
Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.
Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard!
Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1.
Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare.
Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that?
Ted: Dougal, they're bishops! (pause)
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.
Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!
Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!
Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...
Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!
Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't.
Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem...
Old priest: I really shouldn't be here.
Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews.
Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!
Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside.
Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself.
Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in the kitchen.
The bishop looks puzzled and worried.
Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them off.
Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again!
Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol or diesel?
Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it petrol or...?
Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel!
Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to put petrol in it?
Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine.
Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face)
FLOOR! COR-TAINS! GOBSHITE!
Ted: Dougal, do we have any incense?
Dougal: (uncertainly) There was.. a spider in the bath the other night....
Fr. Stack: You're sittin' there, watching those young boys in shorts. With a big smile on your face. Ye daerty feckers.
Dougal: It's nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.
Dougal: So then. You're a nun?
Ted: Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!
Jack: Are those my feet?
Father Brendan: God Ben I'm such an eejit - I've put the shorts - on me head !
Dougal: (trying to pray) Hail Mary who art in heaven.......
Ted: Hallowed.
Dougal: Oh yeah. Hallowed Be....
Ted: Thy Name...
Dougal: Papa Don't Preach........
Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise the lord with sleep.
Dougal: Really Ted? You can praise him in lots of ways, like that time you said that I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Ted: Yes, that was a good one !
Jack: I'm a happy camper!
Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!
Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?
Jack: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!!
Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture.
Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father
Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice.
Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE!
Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted?
Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg.
Ted: I think that process has already begun.
Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work.
Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted?
Ted: ...It won't, no.
Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel !!!
Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse!
Father Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
Old priest: I really shouldn't be here.
Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before!
CRIKEY!!
;D